hypnotic junkie

you call me a bitch
i call you an asshole
very well, then
we are very much alike…
who wanted to be where we are right now
in this shithole
which i try to patch up
as you lie there snoring
while i sit here drinking
talking to myself and
my self and
my beer
wondering how come -
this is not even about love.

tell me dear,
do you like your soundful sleep
does it keep you warm right now
does it rest your weary body
and selfish mind
mindless of what is happening.
oh, now i see you turn and hug a pillow!
isn’t that the sweetest fuck you’ve seen
in your whole fucking life
that someone as languorous as you are
is ridiculously
keeping me pursed
ME?!? on my knees?
to serve your toes when you are tired?
even i am tired!
of breaking
things when you ignite my fury
that fails to surface
because you don’t like shouting
and shouting
and shouting
but you make me!!!

fuck it all then!
when you wake up
and see the sun shining
i shall be the one sleeping
soundless and cold,
mindful of what had happened
happy to see a new beginning.

"If we wait for  the moment
when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never  begin."

- Ivan  Turgenev

it all started when i was scared of turning into a homo homo sapien. i had just come down from a recent break-up which is another stupid event but it had racked up my psyche deeply. My poor cognitive development was faced with all this psychological distortion i resorted to the heavens for inner peace. so i join this religious charismatic youth group - wait, verrrrry charismatic youth group - which included such activities as (of course) raising your hands, jumping, and dancing, but wait! there’s more!! there’s singing and hold you breath… SPEAKING IN TONGUES!!! the hall was echoing with lalala-yaba-daba-doo-bailar-bailar-labamba…God! but nevertheless i couldn’t be a total hypocrite cuz i found some sort of peace i was searching for in all the singing dancing sobbing languoring midst of it all.

one thing though, our spirituality had to have a track record. i hate being tracked about my faith. it’s a personal experience that shouldn’t be barged into. these were one-on-one sessions with your cell leader to see how good you are becoming each day. what the fuck! Goodness counter? Black stars - White stars? OOooh, have you been good today? Ano ako, aso?!?! Good boy!! (pat on the head) Pant. pant.
Considering this to be detrimental to my search for peace had led me to distance myself from the organization. Coupled with this, of course, being bastardly irreverent all over again, the devil in me started lurking. One fateful one-on-one preaching, my cell leader was reading me a passage from the bible. and all i could see were her big boobs resting on the table….